I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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