please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
