Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
