we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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