the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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