why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
