I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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