It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
