Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
