Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
