i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize