I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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