the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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