just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There's always time for handjobs
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
