I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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