dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
