Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
