I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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