i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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