All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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