I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
