Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need a beard to bite.
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