I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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