My liver just broke up with me...
i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
