He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
