Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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