How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
