i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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