I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
