My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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