I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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