I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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