I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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