I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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