I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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