The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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