I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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