he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
