oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
