My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
