just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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