he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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