Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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