normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
