So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize