We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
