I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
