alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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