My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize