I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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