sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
