He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
