farters have to be the big spoon...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
