So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
