You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
