I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
