Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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