There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
