Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drake has all the answers
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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