We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
